Sometimes I feel like my consciousness is really a ping pong ball that bounces around my head making ace points against itself. I decide one thing, I decide another, I change my mind as quickly as the wind changes. Maybe it’s not my mind that’s changing though, maybe it’s just how I feel about it all.
Like last week I woke up with a blog in mind (but I was too lazy to turn on my computer of course – bane of my existence this inert laziness to follow my laptop around the house) where I would say that my biggest problem at the moment is, of course, men. But I’ve changed my mind because what I thought was a problem was really me making things into a problem.
It’s not like I’m heartsick over a specific guy and THAT was my problem – that there IS no guy. And that’s been bothering me a lot lately since I’ve turned a year older, that there is no one. I tried to pretend there was (thanks Betsy) but my heart (and clearly his) was not in it.
And then I remembered something that lightened my heart . . . well two things actually. The last time I was in my writing cocoon – hoping to emerge a literary butterfly – I was worried about much this same thing. And one night, whether out of desperation or creativity or divine pity the Big One took on me, I had a moment of clarity. Suddenly I just knew (like sometimes you just know the right thing to do or the right way to go) that I wasn’t going to meet someone or fall in love like I so desperately wanted until my book was published. That simple. And it made me feel better then.
But that was then and now, as I’m standing on that crazy scary writing ledge, I was trying insanely not to believe it. Because, as I tried to rationalize, that could mean that I might never fall in love since, man, this getting published thing is really hard, improbable. I can deal with the pressure of failing at my dream because that’s what comes of dreaming this big but the pressure of that AND my love life, that I was just too freaking scared to risk.
But I was looking at it the wrong way I realized. Maybe what I know means not that I’m going to lose everything but that I’m going to get everything. That even though it’s hard and improbable it could also be attainable and within reach. Or at the very least this feeling of lacking something just because I don’t have it now (when, let’s be honest, who even knows if I’m ready for it) seems totally unnecessary. A better attitude on its way.
And then today – one of the happy things that prompted me to actually turn on the computer and write this blog – I had another good thought. It was about my Grandmother. Right before she died my mom came across this report that someone at her care facility had written. My Grandma was interviewed and she came off as having a happy life, a complete life.
And I thought, my Grandma was a lot like me I think – and she lived a happy life even though it wasn’t without pain and hardship. And she was almost four years older than I am right now when she got married and started on that content and happy path. Which means I have time, tons of time, since you could do a lot worse than my Grandma.
So I go forward from here hopeful, not trying to prove myself wrong, only trying to put it out of my mind and wait, patiently, until circumstances prove me right. Which, I guess, means I better get back to work on that little book thing . . .