Damn Daddy! He did it, he pulled me back in.
He was trying to be nice when I walked into the house today for dinner and handing me the listing of a cute little house that he thinks I should buy. Let’s forget that there’s no way I could qualify for a loan even if the payments would be about 2/3rds of what the rent is on my renter now or that it’s kind of in an area I know my roommate doesn’t want to live in or that I’m not even sure I want to make such a big purchase.
It makes me feel sad all the same. Because I hate that there are so many can’ts standing in front of me. I hate that I’m watching all of these people around me settle down and get married and buy houses and have kids and I’m . . . not, . . . just stuck in where I am. Not that where I am is bad or anything but . . . it just scores the fact that I’m still aimlessly alone.
My friends like to say that they’re still single because they were focusing on their careers, they had other things that they wanted to do. That was never me. Maybe I suffered from a lack of a plan. Betsy wanted to be married before she was 27 and she’s going to be. The only vague ideas I ever had never came true so I stopped having vague ideas and rejected having concrete ones.
Sometimes it just seems like I’m the only one not growing up. I’m aging, I’m getting older, but I’m not growing up – I’m still transient, I’m still untied, I’m still around. There is nothing to keep me in this place, in this moment, except for my undying hatred for change. I guess I just want a reason to stay, to be here, to belong.