The Fear

Why is it so hard to admit to what I want – to myself and others?

I’m trying to be more honest – answer the phone when it rings and don’t pretend that you can’t hear it, don’t tell yourself you’re going to the gym if you know there’s no chance in hell you’re waking up in the morning – but it’s hard.  Because the more honest I am with myself, the more I realize how crazy I just might be.  And crazy?  Crazy doesn’t really get the happy endings.  They get insane stories and weird looks and entertaining conversations.  But happy endings?  Nowhere in sight.

I could list a lot of random, crazy things that people don’t know about me (and was considering it) but that wouldn’t get me any closer to the point I was trying to make, would it?  So instead, a list of scarily honest things that you don’t know about me.

  • Sometimes I worry that I may actually be the evil twin.
  • It worries me – and shakes my confidence – that no one knows anyone they could set me up with.  Sure, I don’t know anyone, but the collective of my friends, really?  How bad is that.
  • What if my writing really isn’t good enough?  Or worse, it’s good enough to be exactly what it is – a book good enough to be downloaded for free but never purchased by anyone I didn’t have to cajole.  What if this is exactly where my writing is supposed to be?
  • What if I have too much faith, so much that I completely miss the lifeboat come to “save” me?
  • I love to read but don’t do it often because I worry that I’ll get lost, swallowed whole by the words of others and never find my way out again.
  • I could have never written my first book without pancakes.  And now that I can’t have pancakes, will any book I write ever be that good again?  What if gluten IS the secret ingredient to greatness.  I mean, come on, that’s what beer is made of.
  • Some people don’t get the happy ending.  Maybe I’m the sidekick in my own life and I don’t get one either.  Not everyone does.
  • What if the life I have now is exactly the one I’m meant to have and I’ll just be mildly unfulfilled, restless, and unhappy . . . forever?

Life is full of worry and fear and hard truths.  We try to ignore them most of the time – package them away in the attic so we can’t see them, thinking that out of sight can truly mean out of mind.  But that’s not the way life works.  Sometimes bad things happen, sometimes horrible things are true, sometimes life is nothing like you wish for it to be.

What do we do then?  Keep on wishing or find something else to search for?

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About toadette16

Val is a useless wanderer who doesn't like to travel, a creative muse who's too lazy to pick up a pencil, a hot-blooded girl who likes to be
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6 Responses to The Fear

  1. sonja says:

    So many responses:
    -Pancakes are not the center of greatness
    -If you are the evil twin, do something evil, and let me come visit your volcanic island
    -You turned down the set up I had for you
    -And while in one story a person may be a side kick, in her own story, she is the hero

  2. vickilouise says:

    Val you are a great person…only you know what happiness for you is. First and foremost don’t live for the happily ever after that everyone talks about live for the one you want. If that includes a man…u gotta out yourself out there. Setups are rare…most the guys I knew from navy days for example…I’d want to set my sister up or someone but most were either married or ummm let’s put it nicely and say not fit for a serious relationship. I now know many dudes and I have no idea what any of them want from a significant other hell I don’t know what my female friends who are single want. So I couldn’t really set anyone up. Also, the reality is that no relationship is this fairytale…and I think that as women we really want that and I think it’s sad how many relationships fail because women act like they need perfection. Men aren’t as obsessed in general with finding a perfect spouse or relationship…this isn’t always true but I find it mostly accurate. I think when u decide to really put yourself out there it will change…look for a real guy not a fantasy. And as scary as rejection is keep in mind a couple things: number one you can’t ever get there without trying it won’t happen on its own. And number two: guys are afraid of rejection too so if they don’t make all these first moves you should try to do so. People shouldn’t live in the past…these days women don’t wait around to be courted so just jump in there. I hope u know I sincerely care about you but I’m sad to see you don’t read enough lol life without getting lost in books was so much more boring for me! Hugs!!

    • toadette16 says:

      I’m not waiting for perfection, beleive me. Something more akin to comfortable would be fine with me. I can get Cinderella anytime I want – that’s why I’m a writer. I’m just looking for something real. My happily ever after is not idealized – it just is.

  3. K. Lee Ellis says:

    Great post! Because it’s honest. Honesty is something that I’m working on. Personally, I think our “happy endings” are rarely ever what we foresee them to be. But I do believe that when you have an intense passion for something, the necessary skill is right along side that passion. Sometimes it takes work and persistence to drag it out, but it’s in there. Especially when it comes to writing. I get inspired by all of the success storied I hear that started with hundreds of rejections. As far as moving on from something you love, I wouldn’t if you truly love it. As the fabulous quote says on your cover “write for yourself.” If you find joy in it (even if it’s combined with torture) stick with it no matter what! As for men…. IF I had an answer, I’d be sure to post it! lol

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